Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
