Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
