??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
