Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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