So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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