3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
