no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
