My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
How's work?
Spinning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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