Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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