Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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