i think i have herpe
just one?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
