and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
