i used baking grease as lip gloss
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
