Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
