my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
