At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
