I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
