my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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