hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
