I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
