I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
