I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
