So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have aggressive nipples.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
