i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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