my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
