Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
