I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
