Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
