I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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