We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
