Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
