yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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