Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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