I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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