He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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