so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
