I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
