you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
me + whiskey = a bad person
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
