I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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