So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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