She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
