sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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