So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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