if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
