The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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