can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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