My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
