Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
