get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
