the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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