I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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